


Another lonely birthday

by GoldenEye



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Historical RPF
Genre: Birthday, M/M, Memories, No Relationship, secret feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 15:54:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5934139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenEye/pseuds/GoldenEye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories of Aaron Burr on a few birthdays and something he had tried to forget</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another lonely birthday

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry Aaron that I wrote something sad for your birthday.  
> Tried to be as close to history as possible.  
> Mrs. Newton was his housekeeper when he lived in New Jersey in 1834.
> 
> Thanks to my beta reader Rosemarysbabysitter <3

~Monday, February 6th 1832~

It could have been a day like any other, if his mind had kept these memories. Why was his mind doing this to him? The last months had been hard enough and Aaron was yearning for some peace of mind. He had recovered from the stroke and there was no hint in his behavior that there had been one. Still there was the slight fear of a sudden end to his life. The incident had shown him that he was pretty much standing with one foot in his grave. 

As soon as he realised what date the calendar showed him he felt like he was losing the ground beneath his feet. 

When he reached for his coffee cup, Burr realised that his hand was trembling. Tears filled his eyes. Without a warning he dropped the cup which shattered when it hit the table. Coffee spilled over the table and his clothes but Burr didn’t cared about it.

With a sudden pang the repressed memories came back into his consciousness. He couldn’t hide the tears. 

Once more Burr reminded himself that he had been the biggest fool on earth. He alone was responsible for the hell that was his life. He had been too proud and too fond of himself but he’d had a life that was more bearable than his present life. One small movement of his finger had been enough to make him suffer for the rest of his life. 

There was not much left of the man he once had been. His political career was ruined, his name forever associated with a ruthless murder. He had fled from his homeland, was restless in Europe and returned to American. But no matter where he had been, Alexander Hamilton had been on his mind most of the time. A constant reminder that it was impossible to leave the past behind. 

As much as he despised dwelling in the past, Burr allowed himself to go back to these specific memories, forced himself to relive it, just to punish himself. In the back of his mind he was asking himself why after all these years this memory decided to rise from the dead.

He had indeed buried all good memories of Hamilton and he was sure as he was sure Hamilton had done after their differences continued and they became two men on two sides.

 

~*~*~ 

 

~Thursday, February 6th 1783~

“Mr. Burr, wait.” Burr would have recognized that voice in a crowd of thousand men, it was unmistakeable, like its owner. Burr stopped and turned around. He was facing Alexander Hamilton who had a huge stack of papers under his left arm, which was about to slip away.

Burr had worked with this remarkable lawyer a few times and began to develop a decent liking of him. Still he had found out that this man had his flaws that were annoying him, especially his political views.  
Since Aaron had never been someone who said what he was really thinking, he decided that he should just put up with him. After all he was not unpleasant company.

“Ready for another two hour speech, Hamilton?” asked Burr, nodding at the papers, which were covered with Alexander’s neat handwriting.  
“Perhaps. It is a difficult case and I need a lot of good arguments to convince the court that my client is innocent. I allow to flatter myself when I say that I will be able to convince them and make them understand my point of view … but that was not why I stopped you.”

Alexander smiled, apologizing at Burr who narrowed his eyebrows. Silently he asked himself what special reason could make Hamilton stop him in the middle of the floor of the court house. 

“When I’ve looked at the calendar on my wall I realised that I’ve forgotten to tell you something this morning.” Alexander was offering Burr his hand, forgetting about the papers which landed on the ground. Burr looked irritated at Hamilton, unsure whether he should take his hand or not. Why was he offering him his hand? He tried to recall his late successful trials and couldn’t think of one that deserved a special congratulation. 

Hamilton, who realised that Burr was unsure if he should take his hand or not just grabbed Burr’s hand and shook it while he wished him a happy birthday, adding his forename to the wish. Perplexed Aaron looked at Hamilton. It was months ago when he had told him his birth date and Hamilton had kept it in his memory. Maybe this was proof that Hamilton thought of him as close acquaintance. 

“Thank you, Alexander”. A dazzling smile was all Burr received from the red haired man, who was about to pick up his papers from the floor. 

Burr was left alone in the middle of the floor. Now that Alexander wasn’t looking he managed a small smile. The tiny voice in the back of his mind was whispering to him that he was flattered that Hamilton had remembered his birthday. No matter what differences they had, Burr was aware that they had a lot in common and still hoped that Alexander would make up his mind and realise how wrong his political view was. 

He thought back to when they had worked on cases, when they both studied law. They had dissimilar ways to fight for their clients, yet they both reached their goals. Burr was aware that they had an unspoken fight for the title of the best lawyer. 

Secretly, Burr prayed that one day he would be the one who would face Alexander Hamilton in a trial. At this very moment Burr had no clue that this wishful thinking would become reality and that he would manage to make Hamilton speechless.

 

~*~*~

 

~Friday, February 6th 1801~

Five days until the election would begin. Burr secretly dreamed of a sudden change of the population which would make him president. There was nothing wrong with dreaming. 

All in all he was sure that he would be elected as vice-president. Finally he would have a title Hamilton would never call his own. 

Hamilton. This man has crossed his way many times and he was still not able to hate him with his heart, like he used to pretend to himself. Since they had spent a lot of time in Elizabeth Town years ago there was a small corner of his heart reserved for Hamilton. 

 

Aaron described these feelings towards Hamilton as a platonic way of Love that was based on a nagging feeling of being not good enough to be his equal. He never admitted it to others, but the constant verbal attacks that Alexander shot at him through the newspapers were still hurting him. Sometimes he marvelled why they couldn’t get along. Was it because they were too similar and therefore made for being rivals.

It was a busy day at work. His desk was filled with papers and he was thankful that today he wouldn’t have to attend a meeting. The long campaign was robbing him of his last nerve and he said to himself that he would make three crosses when the vote finally started. 

Just when he grabbed the newspaper, preparing himself to face another insulting article from the pen of Hamilton, there was a knock on his office door. Burr sighed. Who the hell was this? He wondered if he would ever get at least a quarter of an hour to himself. “Come in,” was the annoyed answer. He laid the newspaper at his desk and waited for the unknown visitor to step into his office. 

“What do you want?” He spit out these words with condemnation and glared at Hamilton. Yet the tiny corner of his heart was affected by his presence. Suddenly Alexander Hamilton was so close and yet so far away from him. Burr tried to ignore the signs of life in this part of his heart. It was not right and yet he couldn’t deny that there was something alluring about Hamilton. To his own dismay he had fallen under this nameless spell of the former treasury secretary. 

Hamilton didn’t said a word, just made his way to the desk. Warily Burr watched Alexander, the closer Hamilton came the more he stiffened and secretly wished that Hamilton would just disappear. For an unknown reason he felt straitened. Burr tried hard to not show his inner feelings.

In front of his desk Hamilton stopped, carefully checking out Burr’s expression. As always a shadow of a smile played around the corners of his mouth. “How’s the campaign going?” asked Alexander in a chatty voice. 

“That’s none of your business. Stop putting your nose in other people’s business” Hamilton nodded, casually adding “I just wanted to be courteous. Not sure if you'll accept it, but I wish you the best for the new year in your life Aaron”. Hamilton examined Burr’s face, considered for a few second if he should do it or not, before he added with an injured voice “I know I am the last person from which you want to receive birthday wishes.”

Aaron had a snappy comment on the tip of his tongue but was too struck from that tone of Alexander’s voice. Part of his mind doubted that this was the truth and was whispering to him, that this was maybe a well enacted action.

 

~*~*~

~Saturday, 6th February 1836~

He felt like he was more dead than alive. He'd laid in bed for months. Endless months with days slowly passing by. All in the same way.  
Was this the revenge God had reserved for him, because he had taken a life. Why couldn’t he die? There was no need for him to be a waste of air on this planet. 

From far away he heard the voice of his Mrs Newton “Happy Birthday Aaron”. Burr had the absurd idea that this woman was mocking him. How can someone as helpless as he have a happy day in his crippled life?

He just glared at Hannah Newton but didn’t said a single word. He saw that the woman understood that she had said something wrong. “I apologize, Mr. Burr.” murmured she and continued to fluff the cushions around him, to give him a comfortable position. 

When Mrs. Newton left the room Burr was alone with his thoughts. Secretly he wished that this would be the last birthday he would have to go through.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep the day away. That was the only useful thing he could do. Sleeping and hoping that his heart would quit its duty. Burr prayed that God would have mercy with him soon. He thought that he had suffered enough. 

 

Aaron drifted into a light sleep. He dreamed of a time long gone. Suddenly it was 1778. It was a hot summer day in June. It was the day of the battle of Monmouth. But his mind didn’t present him with the glorious sides of this battle; no praises from the comrades, no showing of how bravely he had behaved.  
The scene vanished and he travelled further back into time. 

 

Elizabethtown. Princeton. That fateful summer day, that would left his handprint on his heart; that created the very spot that ached every now and then, whenever he thought of Alexander Hamilton. It was the day when he received something that would forever be his biggest secret. 

Here it was, when there was a bond created between him and Hamilton that they’d never spoken of again. Alexander had already taken this secret into the grave and so would he, when the time was there. 

 

They had met briefly on the floor or outside. Talked a bit but never really interacted much. Hamilton made the impression of an exotic bird set free in a new world: interested, ready to find its place and yet he seemed to be misplaced. Yet this boy caught his attention and Burr often searched for excuses to cross his way.

He had to confess to himself that this new boy was not only attractive but had a wide knowledge. At this time Burr was confused since he felt drawn to this boy whose name was Alexander Hamilton. Why was there always this tingling feeling whenever he was alone with him? He was confused because he imagined what it would be like to lay his arms around him and give him a hug. Would he allow it without thinking that Burr was maybe up to something else?

 

When he lay awake he often fantasized of what could happen between them. Part of him was glad that this was all in his head and he cursed himself for having scandalous thoughts. Sometimes he blamed his feelings on the simple fact that Alexander had feminine features but he knew that this was ridiculous and that this was just a poor excuse to cover up the fact that he fantasized about someone of the same sex.

 

In retrospect Burr always thought that this day would have ended in a different way if he wouldn’t had decided to take a walk around the building before going into class. 

He was not the only one who took a morning walk. They greeted each other but there was something in Alexander’s eyes that stopped Burr from passing him.  
They exchanged a few looks and it began to dawn on Burr that Alexander was up to something. 

Later he tried to recollect step by step how everything had happened but it simply happened out of the blue. It was like they had been drawn on invisible strings together.  
It was coincidence that they met on a spot that wasn’t visible from any of the windows. 

“Please stay, Aaron,” pleaded Alexander. Burr looked irritated at the red haired boy in front of him who was still looking at him with a strangely lovingly gaze. “Are you alright, Alexander? Is there anything I can do for you?” Out of the blue the thought came to him that Hamilton was maybe thinking of somebody else and therefore looking like a love drunk teenager and maybe he wanted his advice. It seemed plausible.  
Alexander chuckled. “There is indeed something you could do for me.” He came closer to him until they stood face to face, their faces only inches away. 

 

This was the point when everything went too fast for Burr’s taste. He remembered how the had tried to get Hamilton to say what he could do for him, but before he could finish his sentence, Hamilton had grabbed him by the arm and drew Burr closer to him.  
In the next second he was stroking with his right hand over Burr's cheek until it rested on his neck. That was the one and only moment when Burr was able to literally drown in Alexander’s blue-violet eyes which reminded him of the sea. 

Out of the blue he felt Alexander’s lips on his own. He looked at Hamilton with wide eyes and tried to draw back his head, but Alexander stopped him from doing so. 

He was shocked when he realised that Alexander was about to kiss him, the way you kiss the girl you love. After a couple of seconds he closed his eyes like Hamilton had done. In the end he was surprised that he kind of enjoyed the kiss, so it was no wonder that he looked at Alexander with wide eyes when he broke the kiss and just smiled at him.

Burr felt that familiar tingling in his stomach. He opened his mouth to say something but Hamilton just shook his head. “I am sorry,” he muttered “Just forget that this happened okay? It was foolish from me.” 

As if he was too late for class Alexander headed with large steps back to the entrance of the school. Burr stood dumbstruck there and whispered “No need to be sorry, Alexander.”

 

~*~*~

 

No matter how often he thought of this situation in his following life, he could never decide if Hamilton had sensed his infatuation on him and just wanted to test out if Burr meant it seriously. Or if it was Hamilton who needed a proof of his feelings. But what was the result of this kiss? Had he been in love with him and was just too afraid to admit it to himself and to him or had he realised that he had no deeper feelings for him?

 

Burr woke up, looking up to the ceiling with a pained expression on his face. He was silently crying and he was surprised that this memory was still waking up so many emotions in him. Sadly he would never know the reason why this kiss had happened. 

“Was this your birthday gift for me Alexander? That I must remember that I once really loved you, not only as a friend.”


End file.
